Unorganized thoughts concerning those creatures we call boys and that thing called being attracted to them.

So pretty much every girl who grew up mormon remembers making the list of what you want in a future husband. I know I have about 20 lists in various journals and boxes. And everyone ends up writing the same thing about how they want a good mormon boy with a good sense of humor who wants kids. Typical. I'd laugh every time we did those lists starting when I was 15 because I realized that is totally not the kind of guy I tend to be attracted to. Spending all of high school and what college I've been through in Utah about 99% of my options have been members of the church but I wasn't usually attracted to the ones with every duck in a row. And obviously no one is perfect, but there just tended to be certain things included in the package that I never thought I'd have to deal with when it came to finding a guy I really liked. And then I went to BYU and I'm pretty sure most of the guys I thought I liked I only liked cuz I felt out not liking anyone and really wanted to like someone. While no one is perfect and no two people are exactly alike, I've found that I'm not really attracted to the stereotypical BYU guy that a lot of girls want. And there is nothing wrong with those guys, it's just not what I find attractive. At all. And to every girl the guy they're in love with will be the most amazing guy ever and he will be so different from everyone else. To me, not many guys at BYU, or in Utah in general, have wowed me as different. It's happened, and I've been surprised, but nothing's ever been quite it.

So then I head out to Florida.

There are very few guys that I look at an think "Daaaaang he's hott." I am much more attracted to personality and then after getting to know someone they become very attractive to me. And after that I'm pretty picky about what happens between me and guys. It's been nearly 10 months since I've been in any sort of relationship, and longer if you're counting real, official relationships. 10 months since a lot of things.

There are some pretty amazing people here. Many that are much more interesting and fun than anyone at BYU. People here are much less judgmental and much less worried about how they compare to everyone else.

I don't like specific boys anymore. I just find guys I absolutely love and have the attitude of "well, I hope I can find someone like them someday!"

I'll marry a guy who's a mormon..absolutely, no doubt about it, it will happen. But sometimes I worry that I'm not going to be able to find someone who will make me happy. There are boys who, for some period of time, have been the one who could always make me smile. I would think "yeah, I could see myself with him. He makes me happy" for a select few. There are a few guys here that I like so much better than any guy I know in Utah. No, they're not members, but they're cute. They know how to flirt. And they aren't bad guys either just looking for action. Obviously some are but I think a lot of people in Utah have the feeling that everyone not a member is just out messing around all the time. And I'll be perfectly honest--if I was the kind of girl who just kissed boys, there are lots more here I'd wanna kiss than in Utah. The most unlikely of people is the one who makes me smile now. Romantic interest? No. Not even someone I know all that well. I don't even know what it is. But bam. Smile. Every time. Done and done.

I've been left. I've been hurt. I've been cheated on. I've been lied to. I've been crushed. I've been beaten down. I've been scarred. I've been scared. I've been changed. I've been traumatized.

What's wrong with me?

I like to tell myself that they just realize I'm not as happy as I could be with someone better for me than them.

The kid I first dated is married and the wife is now pregnant, meaning I probably dated him longer than they knew each other before she got pregnant. Weird? Yeah. Thank goodness that wasn't me. My sister is officially engaged. Another weird thing I'll be dealing with. I'm so happy for her. But I can't even see myself with anyone anymore. It's too weird. And me and her have never been able to have boy luck at the same time. I swear it's not allowed. Maybe now that she'll be married it'll be my turn.

Yesterday I was in Hollywood studios and this kid working at Toy Story Mania gave me 7 fast passes when the wait was going to be 100 minutes. Sometimes it pays to be cute and flirt--it saved me a lot of time haha.

All typical, seminary answers aside..this is what any interested boy should know about what I want and such when it comes to me and boys:

1. If you ask me if you can kiss me, the answer will be no. I've never said yes to that question. Ever.
2.When I find the guy I want to give my heart to, I want him to be the one who won't take it away.
3. Know what you want, have a plan, strive for better.
4. If you don't/can't make fun of me, you don't know me well enough.
5. If you don't let me throw the insults and sarcasm and throw it back, I will get bored.
6. Have an opinion. Fight me for mine.
7. It's all about the story. 

I'm just such a hopeless romantic. Whenever it rains, whenever I'm under the fireworks, whenever the weather is perfect and I see the sun set, whenever I'm watching a really cute movie, whenever I'm in a blanket on the couch...I want to share it. I want someone to make perfect moments for me.

I've seen pieces of what I want. And I've been told not to settle. But how can I have it all? There are 4 specific guys that have one thing I want to take and stick them all together into one guy. Unfortunately that isn't quite possible. The only thing I can think of that every single one of those 4 guys lack is the inability to be completely upfront. That and follow through with things they say. Maybe that's one thing that's just impossible to find. Please, someone come and prove me wrong.

Conclusion. Maybe I'll be better off staying single.

Outside my window: a guy who wants to take me golfing.

Grin and Bear it.

So lately my life has just been lots of work. Which is really good--I may actually earn money this summer. :P But I've missed playing in the parks and being with my roommates.With my job there are a lot of interesting co workers and a lot more interesting guests. Every day is what you make it--and whether or not it's good or bad is totally up to the individual. Yesterday was a perfect example.

The first thing I did when I got into work was find the manager on duty and explain to him that I was about to get paid more than I should for last week as the hours on the computer somehow showed that I was to be paid about 3 hours that I hadn't worked. And it didn't show up on my record card so I totally could've gotten away with getting the extra money but decided to be an honest person. So that was good. I worked register, which is almost always a good thing, but it was so crazy busy. We had some problems and I ended up being cut short a break and then worked an hour and forty-five minutes longer than scheduled when a manager asked if I'd extend because they needed the extra help. So I did and missed out on getting a ride home and had to take the bus but it was fine. So it wasn't a great day, especially after 11 when I was supposed to be going home...but during the day I decided I was going to make it the best I could. It was probably the best guest interaction I've ever created. And I had some amazing guests and they made my day so great. A few moments made me smile so big. Some people can just have that effect. So while the night ended up being pretty yuck, I made my day great. And I got a good service fanatic card from a manager for being fantastic. :P We'll see how I hold up today haha.

I love being at work and actually knowing most of the people I work with. It's been so much more fun at work not going into the break room wondering if I'm going to be all alone and awkward in a corner by myself. The missionaries in the ward are really pushing us to get people to church. It's pretty hard since everyone's working all the time. I've given out a Book of Mormon and invited people to come to church but the lack of interest and time is making it really super difficult. I have found out here that I really do love telling people about my religion though. It's been a great blessing and I just hope that maybe someday some of it will bring someone to church. It's something I missed out on as I mostly grew up in Utah where basically everyone's a member--I really like being away from the bubble and being able to help people understand that being mormon shouldn't be associated with "Big Love" or the Amish.

That's pretty much it for now. Just a lot of work. Next week my aunt, uncle, and their kids are coming to play so that will be fun. They are my only visitors for the summer.

Outside my window: the garbage truck that wakes me up every morning that sounds like it's blowing up the building.

Money. Males. Margaritas. Music. Magic.

So the title. I shall explain.

Money: I feel like I'm finally making money! It's fabulous. With 47 hours of work next week, that's a solid paycheck and some overtime. Our busy season is starting and my work schedule is exploding! It'll be exhausting but so worth it.

Males: Everyone keeps asking me if I've find a boy here yet. That's a no. For one, there are hardly any LDS guys here. And as for the ones that aren't, the good looking ones are usually gay. There is one guy that I keep running into that gets drunk a lot and calls me BYU. I think it's pretty funny. There's another guy that calls me Utah...

Margaritas: The kid that calls me Utah wants me to come over for margaritas. Not gonna happen. It was a nice offer by him though.

Music: I love Disney music. And I'm surprised I'm not suck of it. While I do kind of get sick of the same songs over and over in the store sometimes, I still go home and listen to more. The music in the musicals and firework shows make me so happy. And typically brings tears from my roommates' eyes. If I cried, I might shed a tear. But no..

Magic. Self explanatory. This summer is magical.

I'm still having a blast. Yesterday was absolutely amazing. I went on my favorite rides and got perfect seats for The Little Mermaid and FRONT ROW SEATS to Beauty and the Beast. That was the most amazing thing ever. I could seriously watch that show all the time and never get sick of it. It makes me feel like a little kid who has butterflies in their stomach the night before Christmas. My favorite songs right now are the reprise of Belle and Part of Your World:

Madame Gaston, can't you just see it?
Madame Gaston, his little wife.
No, sure, not me, I guarantee it.
I want much more then this provincial life!

 

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere
I want it more then I can tell.
And for once it might be grand
to have someone understand
I want so much more then they've got planned.

 What would I give
To live where you are?
What would I pay
To stay here beside you?
What would I do to see you
Smiling at me?

Where would we walk?
Where would we run?
If we could stay all day in the sun?
Just you and me
And I could be
Part of your world

I don't know when
I don't know how
But I know something's starting right now
Watch and you'll see
Some day I'll be
Part of your world

Love. Love. Love.

It's songs like these that really make me stop and think about my life. I'm getting my adventure outside of Utah and I'm loving it--best summer of my life so far. (Which is funny to say when most people aren't even out of school yet..) And I feel like I'm doing more now than I ever did at BYU. I'm living my adventure and I'm scared of going back. I just don't feel like BYU could ever give me the satisfaction and the things I want to fulfill and accomplish in my life. I want more than it seems like BYU has planned for me. Maybe once I start my major it will change. We shall see.

And the second song has basically no relevance to my life at the present time. I just love it and it makes me happy inside.

To end the last night I went and saw Fantasmic with Caitlin..magical. Another show I could see over and over again and not get tired of it. I get the chills every time I see Mickey conducting the fountains and fireworks. I am such a hopeless romantic, guys. I see the princesses dancing and...*sigh*. Love it. The longer I'm here the more I wonder if I'm going to be able to leave it. Maybe by the end of the summer I'll be more than ready to go home, but for now I'm going to keep living it up and soaking up every minute of this Florida sun.

Outside my window: The blue skies and sunshine that I never want to leave.

Random Realizations

I got home from work this morning at around 3am. But then when I woke up I got to talk to my best buddy Beffy. That was a fabulous way to start my day. And then I went and played at Blizzard Beach..unfortunately it wasn't super hot today and there was a breeze so it was actually a little chilly. Luckily it wasn't snowing. HA. And it was still super fun and in the 80's. I went to dinner with my 5 fabulous roommates and then had a late-night Walmart run. But the best part of my day was between the water park adventures and dinner.



I came home while my roomies went to Downtown Disney and Skyped with my buddy Zach-y.

I'm sure everyone reading this knows it but Zach and I have been besties since like 3rd grade. Actually we weren't besties then because boys were gross and I was mostly friends with his little sisters but our families have been way tight for a long time and once we got older and not quite so stupid we became better friends and somehow ended up in the same EFY session and later in the same BYU ward without planning either. Go figure. And it all got weird when I was Snow White and he was the prince..but hey that did make for a really good gift idea for his birthday. And he has the Snow White cup in his room and the book somewhere haha. Out of all of the best friends I've had that were guys, he's the only one that's stuck around. So I had this sad realization today: a good majority of my really close guy friends haven't stayed that way because of choices made by them to discontinue an amazing friendship for various reasons..and some have stayed acquaintances and some have been totally removed from any communication or contact, in some cases for very good reasons. Other situations have just become weird and ones with no trust or true desire to be friends..just kind of there. Broken promises, shallow motives, inconsiderate dishonesty, and desires of the natural man. But Zach's the only one who's really stayed close and while I do have to pry things out of him for stories and information he doesn't freely share like he should, that's just how he rolls and after this year it's gotten so much better and we've truly bonded. It kind of started with an email that started 6 years ago and was kind of finished, or at least put on hold, tonight. This past year was great and for once we actually knew what was really going on in each others' lives. Funny that we used to never ever discuss anything involving other girls or guys even though it didn't matter...? And while the middle of this year was a little rough in staying super tight and hanging out, the year ended well with several post-midnight walks and quite a few eye-rolls from me cuz the kid is a total dork and sometimes won't just talk. :P That's just how it went. But it was so fun. He still treats me like a little sister or ignores me when certain people are around, but I guess that's just how it goes. And I can deal with it--just roll my eyes, ignore him, and tease him mercilessly about it later. I'm sad he's not going to be here to bug and text and skype, but he's going to be an awesome missionary and I'll definitely see him when he gets back from Texas. I'll be graduated then. :) 

I love my Zach-y. BFFs.

I've had a few more realizations lately.

1. I don't mind not dating. And now for the long explanation: 

While i was at BYU I kind of hated when my roommates had a certain guy they liked or would always hang out with or were dating or whatever and really only cuz I miss it. It was nice having someone always there. But since getting to Florida, away from date-happy Utah, I've realized how much I really don't want to get married soon. I'm such a little kid who is so not ready to settle down anytime soon. It's not that I want to be single forever but I actually wouldn't mind getting through college without having seriously dated anyone. Now that might change when I get back to BYU and everyone's back to crazy dating and instant judgment of whether someone is marriage worthy..but Florida's been a good eye opener. Maybe it's just cuz there's no one I'm interested in here since most of them aren't what I'm looking for and I'm not interested in anyone in Utah either..but I'm actually good with staying out of the dating scene right now. Because I didn't have my laptop until yesterday I haven't been on facebook much lately and I've actually loved it. No offense to anyone, but I'd almost rather not know what's going on in many people's lives. That or I just don't really care. As much as I love people, some are just tied to too many things. And while I love having my computer back, I'm not as addicted to facebook as I was. Hopefully it stays that way. Anyway, random, but when I got back on facebook after being away for a while like 5 people were engaged!! Getting married scares me now. And boys in general have a lot of proving to do before I'll be convinced that they're worth it again. Who needs boys when you have 6 parks, sunny weather, and fireworks? I love fireworks.

2. I love laptop keyboards that work. Not that it's a realization really cuz it's kind of obvious but I keep started to go for the mouse pad to click on something when, hey, I can use my keyboard. Because it works. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

3. I'm really good at separating people from events. It's been super convenient but now I just wish some situations would go away with the people that left. It would save on a lot of random stupid.

4. My family is a lot easier to miss when I'm on the other side of the country instead of 30 minutes away. I really didn't miss my family that much when I was at school because I saw them almost every week, sometimes more. But it made me sad when I tried to call my mom on mother's day and she didn't answer and no one answered on the home phone and I had to wait until my break the next night. :( Normally, no big deal. But I've realized how much I really do miss my family, it's just hard to miss something that's always there. I love my family. :) I'm very sad they won't be coming to visit me this summer..:( Stupid elections...Mike Lee for Senate :D

5. I want to be someone who gets to dress up for work. I watch my managers in their nice, classy suits and earpieces and yes, I want to be like them. I think that would be so much fun. Maybe not a manager at Disney but just a job that lets me dress up and make decisions and really make things happen.

6. I look awful in high-wasted pants. I have such long legs that pants that sit on my hips make me look so disproportionate. BUT...

7. I love my job. Even when a shift goes until 2am. Yesterday things got slow so I walked around giving little kids stickers and played pirates with little boys and called little girls princesses. I wanna be a princess when I grow up..I wanna be just like those little girls..still dreaming big and just being that princess..not caring how many jerks get in the way, how many obstacles they have to walk around, or who's judging. I wanna be a princess when I grow up.

8. I should probably start getting ready in the morning someday. In high school I got ready for school everyday. Yeah that totally changed during finals of fall semester. And it hasn't changed back. I've tried but that definitely failed. It's probably my lack of caring what I look like since there's no one worth impressing. My mom says it's going to result in me not getting married but for now hey, if it's keeping guys away that's just fine. Vista Way boys aren't quite what I'm looking for.

9. I LOVE oranges. I used to hate them. But Florida has made me love them. I still don't like orange juice.

10. I love Florida. So much. I never want to go back to BYU. That may change seeing as I've only been gone for a few weeks but I absolutely love being away from the bubble and really being in the real world. While I'm still staying away from a lot of it, it's been so great. I got lucky again with amazing roommates--I didn't think it was possible to have great roommates two shots in a row. But I did and it's been fabulous. I was worried, about my job and housing and roommates and living in general, but now it's been great. It's so been what I've needed since I started college. A break, a separation, a distance, a new start without stupid people and, honestly, AF High. I do miss my family, and I do miss my awesome roommates that I had at BYU and can't wait to see them again. I do miss certain, select people from Utah and will be happy to see you again. Still. I love DisneyWorld with all my heart. So much fun. Amazing. Magical. Disney music every day at work. 

I love it.

  
Outside my window: a reminder that I am no longer in Utah..and that  

I'm totally loving it.

It's Disney. :D

So...I'm living in Florida. :) It's pretty great. The weather is amazing. And I work inside so I get the air conditioning and just play in the heat. I love it. I just finished training yesterday and today I am headed to an 11 1/2 hour shift doing floor stocking. Good thing I'm loving it so far. :) I was worried about my job at first--a little bummed about not working in an actual park--but I actually like it and I don't get sick of the parks this way. I've visited every park so far except Animal Kingdom and Typhoon Lagoon--no worries, I'm hitting those this week.

Last week I overcame my 10 year fear of tower of terror--that was a big day for me. But I'm still scared to go outside after dark here seeing as I'm living in an apartment complex that has #1 and #2 ratings by PlayBoy..you can guess what the categories are for the ratings. Everyone was appalled when they found out that BYU kids got placed here at Vista Way, because this is the first time in history that it's ever happened. They usually put the BYU kids in Chatham where the party scene isn't so big...but here we are, making the most of it and avoiding the pool. :P

I love Disney so much! The parks are so much fun and I love just chillin there on my days off and after work when I get off early enough. And my roommates are great. I thought for sure I'd get awful roommates since I got SO lucky last time, but my luck has remained and I'm having a great time!  Pictures are on facebook with more to come.

I'm loving being away from Utah and BYU, as much as I miss my family and roommates and other friends. It's just been a great separation and break from the bubble and things I'm just happy to be away from. :) It really has been good. And I'm sure I'll be ready to come back when the time comes but for now, it's good to be away.

Outside my window: SUNSHINE!! :D

Rain. Enough said.

So on Monday night we had a ward activity. And it rained that night. And my hair got all wet and weird. Sooooooo...it turned into editing picture time. :P

I should be studying for finals. But I'm not. Today's been fun though. Lots of hanging out and picture taking with roommates. :P I still have a broken computer but this awesome kid named Hudson brought me a new keyboard. So I'm not typing using my computer screen anymore. Good news. :) I finally am enjoying the semester. Good news. :)

11 Days to Florida

Outside my window: Some beautiful springtime. :D

Just Keep Swimming...

So I'm wondering what kind of person puts an empty ice cube tray in the freezer. I got back from a wonderful run and went to get a nice cup of water and as I pulled out the ice tray...empty. Silly roommate, whoever you are. I still love you. :D

I'm sitting here, waiting for Economics to start, so excited that I only have to come one more time that I could probably write a song about it. The only bad thing would be if I possibly don't pass this class and I have to retake it. That would be death. I might even shed tears. *gasp* My reading days will be almost entirely devoted to economics. And it will probably be the death of me. Luckily this is the only final that I'm extremely concerned about. Other than this class and possibly Biology I have some pretty solid grades. I just have to keep going and stick it out for 3 more days of class and a week of finals...almost done, almost done...just..keep..swimming...

They keep changing the names of all of the classes I'm taking, or at least the numbers. I'm taking a 100 level religion class and then all of my other classes are 300 classes. So I kind of skipped the 200s somewhere in there. I'll go from first-year freshman to sophomore, junior, and senior within 4 semesters. Crazy. But oh so exciting. :) I'm getting old I've decided, and it's weird, but like my roommate said today, "it's like life is finally starting!" or something along those lines. We stayed up talking way too late last night and I was in bed for over 2 hours before I finally fell asleep. I was planning on getting to sleep early but that didn't happen because I couldn't fall asleep and so I gave up and started talking. And then I still couldn't sleep so I had this weird idea that maybe if I flipped around it'd help. So I took my bedding and flipped it around and put my head where my feet typically go and I was out in 5 minutes...? Don't really know why but it was pretty cool. And I had some really interesting dreams about being chased and running into some really attractive guy...:P

I had such a productive day with my Beff today. (In case anybody hasn't heard it about 6billion times, her brother is getting married.) Love you Beth. :P We got a lot of fabulous things for our condo in the fall. And jamba juice because ColdStone wasn't open. I will miss shopping and ColdStone with my dear friend..there aren't too many downsides to this summer, but that is definitely one of them. But - once I get back it means we will be out of the dorms, only cramming food for 4 in the fridge and larger supply of cupboard space, and there will be 2 bathrooms. Oh how I can't wait until this semester is over.

It is finally getting nice outside. Give me weather about 5 degrees warmer and take away the wind and I'd be in heaven right about now. And it's been so nice this week because I've had a car. Unfortunately that leaves today as I drive by myself to the airport to pick up my daddy and then lose the car when he drops me back off. Oh well. I'm actually kind of looking forward to the drive..I like long drives and the chance to just think and listen to music. :) 

I've been so lucky with parking this week. I've gone to park my car and there have been no parking spots every time I try to find one. So I always go park either somewhere illegal while I drop stuff off or in the 15- or 30-minute parking areas and then come back to move it and every time I have gone back right as a close spot has opened up. It has been amazing. Gotta love those little mercies that can make your mood so much better. :)

17 days to Florida

Outside my window there is some beautiful sunshine and through the trees some off-campus housing that is looking so good right about now..