Unorganized thoughts concerning those creatures we call boys and that thing called being attracted to them.

So pretty much every girl who grew up mormon remembers making the list of what you want in a future husband. I know I have about 20 lists in various journals and boxes. And everyone ends up writing the same thing about how they want a good mormon boy with a good sense of humor who wants kids. Typical. I'd laugh every time we did those lists starting when I was 15 because I realized that is totally not the kind of guy I tend to be attracted to. Spending all of high school and what college I've been through in Utah about 99% of my options have been members of the church but I wasn't usually attracted to the ones with every duck in a row. And obviously no one is perfect, but there just tended to be certain things included in the package that I never thought I'd have to deal with when it came to finding a guy I really liked. And then I went to BYU and I'm pretty sure most of the guys I thought I liked I only liked cuz I felt out not liking anyone and really wanted to like someone. While no one is perfect and no two people are exactly alike, I've found that I'm not really attracted to the stereotypical BYU guy that a lot of girls want. And there is nothing wrong with those guys, it's just not what I find attractive. At all. And to every girl the guy they're in love with will be the most amazing guy ever and he will be so different from everyone else. To me, not many guys at BYU, or in Utah in general, have wowed me as different. It's happened, and I've been surprised, but nothing's ever been quite it.

So then I head out to Florida.

There are very few guys that I look at an think "Daaaaang he's hott." I am much more attracted to personality and then after getting to know someone they become very attractive to me. And after that I'm pretty picky about what happens between me and guys. It's been nearly 10 months since I've been in any sort of relationship, and longer if you're counting real, official relationships. 10 months since a lot of things.

There are some pretty amazing people here. Many that are much more interesting and fun than anyone at BYU. People here are much less judgmental and much less worried about how they compare to everyone else.

I don't like specific boys anymore. I just find guys I absolutely love and have the attitude of "well, I hope I can find someone like them someday!"

I'll marry a guy who's a mormon..absolutely, no doubt about it, it will happen. But sometimes I worry that I'm not going to be able to find someone who will make me happy. There are boys who, for some period of time, have been the one who could always make me smile. I would think "yeah, I could see myself with him. He makes me happy" for a select few. There are a few guys here that I like so much better than any guy I know in Utah. No, they're not members, but they're cute. They know how to flirt. And they aren't bad guys either just looking for action. Obviously some are but I think a lot of people in Utah have the feeling that everyone not a member is just out messing around all the time. And I'll be perfectly honest--if I was the kind of girl who just kissed boys, there are lots more here I'd wanna kiss than in Utah. The most unlikely of people is the one who makes me smile now. Romantic interest? No. Not even someone I know all that well. I don't even know what it is. But bam. Smile. Every time. Done and done.

I've been left. I've been hurt. I've been cheated on. I've been lied to. I've been crushed. I've been beaten down. I've been scarred. I've been scared. I've been changed. I've been traumatized.

What's wrong with me?

I like to tell myself that they just realize I'm not as happy as I could be with someone better for me than them.

The kid I first dated is married and the wife is now pregnant, meaning I probably dated him longer than they knew each other before she got pregnant. Weird? Yeah. Thank goodness that wasn't me. My sister is officially engaged. Another weird thing I'll be dealing with. I'm so happy for her. But I can't even see myself with anyone anymore. It's too weird. And me and her have never been able to have boy luck at the same time. I swear it's not allowed. Maybe now that she'll be married it'll be my turn.

Yesterday I was in Hollywood studios and this kid working at Toy Story Mania gave me 7 fast passes when the wait was going to be 100 minutes. Sometimes it pays to be cute and flirt--it saved me a lot of time haha.

All typical, seminary answers aside..this is what any interested boy should know about what I want and such when it comes to me and boys:

1. If you ask me if you can kiss me, the answer will be no. I've never said yes to that question. Ever.
2.When I find the guy I want to give my heart to, I want him to be the one who won't take it away.
3. Know what you want, have a plan, strive for better.
4. If you don't/can't make fun of me, you don't know me well enough.
5. If you don't let me throw the insults and sarcasm and throw it back, I will get bored.
6. Have an opinion. Fight me for mine.
7. It's all about the story. 

I'm just such a hopeless romantic. Whenever it rains, whenever I'm under the fireworks, whenever the weather is perfect and I see the sun set, whenever I'm watching a really cute movie, whenever I'm in a blanket on the couch...I want to share it. I want someone to make perfect moments for me.

I've seen pieces of what I want. And I've been told not to settle. But how can I have it all? There are 4 specific guys that have one thing I want to take and stick them all together into one guy. Unfortunately that isn't quite possible. The only thing I can think of that every single one of those 4 guys lack is the inability to be completely upfront. That and follow through with things they say. Maybe that's one thing that's just impossible to find. Please, someone come and prove me wrong.

Conclusion. Maybe I'll be better off staying single.

Outside my window: a guy who wants to take me golfing.

Grin and Bear it.

So lately my life has just been lots of work. Which is really good--I may actually earn money this summer. :P But I've missed playing in the parks and being with my roommates.With my job there are a lot of interesting co workers and a lot more interesting guests. Every day is what you make it--and whether or not it's good or bad is totally up to the individual. Yesterday was a perfect example.

The first thing I did when I got into work was find the manager on duty and explain to him that I was about to get paid more than I should for last week as the hours on the computer somehow showed that I was to be paid about 3 hours that I hadn't worked. And it didn't show up on my record card so I totally could've gotten away with getting the extra money but decided to be an honest person. So that was good. I worked register, which is almost always a good thing, but it was so crazy busy. We had some problems and I ended up being cut short a break and then worked an hour and forty-five minutes longer than scheduled when a manager asked if I'd extend because they needed the extra help. So I did and missed out on getting a ride home and had to take the bus but it was fine. So it wasn't a great day, especially after 11 when I was supposed to be going home...but during the day I decided I was going to make it the best I could. It was probably the best guest interaction I've ever created. And I had some amazing guests and they made my day so great. A few moments made me smile so big. Some people can just have that effect. So while the night ended up being pretty yuck, I made my day great. And I got a good service fanatic card from a manager for being fantastic. :P We'll see how I hold up today haha.

I love being at work and actually knowing most of the people I work with. It's been so much more fun at work not going into the break room wondering if I'm going to be all alone and awkward in a corner by myself. The missionaries in the ward are really pushing us to get people to church. It's pretty hard since everyone's working all the time. I've given out a Book of Mormon and invited people to come to church but the lack of interest and time is making it really super difficult. I have found out here that I really do love telling people about my religion though. It's been a great blessing and I just hope that maybe someday some of it will bring someone to church. It's something I missed out on as I mostly grew up in Utah where basically everyone's a member--I really like being away from the bubble and being able to help people understand that being mormon shouldn't be associated with "Big Love" or the Amish.

That's pretty much it for now. Just a lot of work. Next week my aunt, uncle, and their kids are coming to play so that will be fun. They are my only visitors for the summer.

Outside my window: the garbage truck that wakes me up every morning that sounds like it's blowing up the building.